Begin Again

What if you couldn’t have the one thing you really wanted? What if you could feel a yearning in every pore, an ache so deep it filled your being and made it hard to breathe? And what if you couldn’t find relief?

Would you abandon the search completely? Pack up your bags and call it a day and turn your face from the wind. Or would you hold steadfast? Feet planted firmly despite the aching in your chest, heart torn open, least raw to the world.

I have known that ache.

I have been that raw.

This past year I was beaten to but a sliver of my soul. The universe spun in its mysterious way, but rather than be caught up in the magic of the dance we were left reeling in its wake. We pushed hard against the pulse of this life, desperate for that which we couldn’t control. Despite our best efforts we woke up one day to find ourselves slumped down on the kitchen floor while the world had its way with us. We were all out of fight. Of course sometimes there was hope. It came quickly and felt good. But sure as the rains that wouldn’t relent, it evaporated like a figment of our imagination on a cold spring night. It was, by all measures, a hard season.

But the beauty of a broken heart is that it leaves you wide open to the world.

For all the hurt, there was so much growth. In between hard rains and Indian summers, we learned to be vulnerable and we felt what it meant to be strong. Friendships were formed and passions stoked. Patience was tested and resiliency built. When we had nothing left we lived our way into more. Hour after hour – because that’s all the further we could see – we leaned hard into our love and together we built a safe haven in which to heal. In which to wait.

Because that was all that was left to do.

We woke up day after day, gathered up the broken pieces of the shell of our selves and held on tight to what we had. Family. Friends. This place. Each other. And every morning, every month, we did the only thing we knew how to do when we couldn’t have the one thing we really wanted…

…we began again.

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