I would like to say – without the slightest hint of ingratitude – that I would like my life back. My life. The whole thing. Which I guess mostly means my home and my people.
You see, I am incredibly grateful for the generosity that has been poured on us during this rather ambiguous period. There was never any question that we’d be fine. We were never allowed to fall. Hell, we were barely allowed to trip. The past two years that have felt so tricky and rather tenuous from the inside haven’t actually been hard at all. We don’t know hardship. Never will.
It’s the same sentiment inspired by the red dirt and deep desperation of the places that I love. I go there, I see those things, I live it for just a little while, and whenever I leave – why ever I leave – I am always reminded of just how good I have it. It’s not why I go, but it’s also not a bad bargain, either: to be effortlessly pervaded with perspective. I travel half way around the world to be reminded of my good fortune.
My loved ones handle it differently. They smother us in generosity. Never forcing our hand, just weaving a safety net tight enough to safeguard the slightest slip. It’s become so pervasive – their graciousness, that is – that sometimes we fail to see just how good we have it, of how strong that network is. We can’t so much as hiccup without being handed a tissue. A gold laced, silk woven tissue. Lucky us.
Just when I fatigue of their faithfulness, when I am exhausted by the feeling of entitlement and the tangible extravagance of this way, I have to remind myself: this is just their way of reminding us of our good fortune. It’s their way of telling us they won’t let us they have our backs and that we should feel free to lean as long as we’d like. How amazing is that?! To have a network so deep and so strong as to never know failure. That’s crazy!
So thank you. All of you. Every one of you who has held our hand, sheltered our checkbook, paid due diligence to our precarious emotional states. Thank you.
Now I would like my life back. In my house. With my friends. In my town. There are a few places that could be these days, and I’d take any one of them right about now. I just want a slight dose of my reality. The one I’ve worked super hard to create.
Thank you for giving me the world. Now forgive me as I wait anxiously to return to mine.